Some of you have noticed that I’ve been a bit quiet lately — for about a month now — and it deserves some explanation. May as well just be blunt: I’ve been very heavily depressed, not socialising, shying away from much of life. It is difficult to write here, but there it is.
This is the main reason I’m not at LFCS/DAM4 this week. Travel and high-intensity people stuff is just not going to happen right now. So, I’m sorry to those of you I’m missing in SFO, and to others who have wanted or needed my attention in recent weeks. As always, Pia gets the worst of it, but is wonderful regardless. Thank you. 
The infuriating thing about depression is that it’s a despair without definition. If I could put my finger on it, I could solve it. Sure, I can point you to a confluence of things that were likely to set it off, but when it hits, it doesn’t really work that way.
Most people I’ve met who have depression use a physical or anthropomorphic metaphor as a way to understand or express it — a great example is Winston Churchill’s Black Dog. I tend towards the physical, seeing it in much the same way as my arthritis: Every now and then, my body stops working properly, and I can’t walk; every now and then, my brain stops working properly, and I can’t… do or feel much of anything at all.
People often ask whether I’d turn it off, if a relevant switch were provided. I don’t think so. Down here, my drive and motivation might be dangerously close to zero, but on balance, I could never trade the ferocity or infectiousness of up there. It’s too central to the culture of my creativity, as odd as that may sound.
The only way I’ve found to drag myself up is to choose something to do and kick the crap out of it until a sense of achievement sets in. I found a great therapy task a few days ago… but I’ll leave that story to a happier post!
If you don’t get it, but want to grok more, Beyond Blue has some good stuff to read.
Finally: Despite everything, I’m OK. I’ve been here before, and made it out fine. Back soon.
33 Comments
Heya,
Take your time, & take care. — mibus.
That really sucks mate. I’ve never dealt with that level of depression but I know there have been times when milder forms have made me incapable of doing anything or even relating to the people around me. I found therapy helped me a lot and I know other friends of mine found meds helped them get out of their rut enough to get moving again.
I’m finally making it to GUADEC this year so I hope you’re feeling better by then.
Take care of yourself,
Ian
Thanks dudes — rest assured, there’s no way in hell I’m gonna miss GUADEC!
Everyone is there at some point man, you’ll break out of it and all will be good.
I too would describe it as my brain not working properly. It was scary as hell the first time I ever really experienced it as there just didn’t seem to be a way out. As you say there is some comfort in knowing you have got out before because even if you can’t identify exactly how you will get out this time you know at least that it is possible.
With any luck some of that comfort might help some of your readers a little too. The knowledge that there are other people out there who have (and do) experience similar things and get through it might help them see that they aren’t irretrievably lost. It won’t show them a door but it will show them that there is one.
When it happens to me I feel like my brain gets stuck in some kind of wierd dysfunctional loop. It keeps going over the same things and it is very difficult to get it to stop.
See you on the other side mate. I’m sure You’ll get though. You’ve got too much to achieve to let it get you.
Hey bud,
I know the feeling. I get there too sometimes and so far I have always picked myself back up. The body and mind are amazing wonders of science without a doubt. I know you will pull through fine and I hoping nothing but the best for you. It does help to have a great mate by your side. Take your time, kick the blues (not the KDE blues though), and see you on the sunny side!
Hey !
You can’t feel depressed ! You’re one of the hero kids look up to when they think of desktop Linux. You’ve been the burning flame that light the community.
Good luck, you’ll get out, I am sure.
To augment beyond blue also look at:
http://www.humangivens.com
They have an excellent book “How to lift depression … fast” which links together a lot of recent understanding about depression and dreaming, and has the most effective approach I know about for treating depression.
Hi Jeff,
I had a “black dog” too, for almost two years or so. Kind of “burn out” syndrome, triggered by doing too many things in too short a time. But that was only the trigger — there are deeper things in my personality that made me prone to the “black dog”. I’m still working on it, but it’s much better now.
The only things I can say are:
1. Knowing the diagnosis and accepting it is the most important first step.
2. Make priorities in your life. Assign your time. Work and live without haste.
3. Talk about it (not neccesarily on a planet…; talk with good friends)
4. Make sure your partnership takes no damage. This is both hard and important. Your partner suffers too.
5. Make a therapy. No, you are no lunatic, and no, you are not a wimp. It’s OK, as long as you work on it.
It helped me a lot. Item 2. is most important, and most difficult. Work and live without haste. This applies to your hobbies too. You don’t have to cancel your hobbie. But carefuly assign your time to partnership, job, sparetime (music, etc.) and your hobbies (e.g. Linux).
I wish you all the best!
Dude! I had no idea - big hugs and motivational vibes! I know you’ll be back on form in no time, and in the meantime we’ll all miss the freedom loving, pants slapping visible friend. Take as much time as you need, and know that we’ll all be thinking about you.
I’ve had this problem myself, and I know how hard it is to live with and how upset it gets you.
Just hang in there; you’ll be back on your feet in no time.
Just wanted to thank you for saying something that must be hard to say. Makes me feel like the world is going in the right direction, when people can trust that it’s ok to be open about what’s going on for them. And I’m sure that you being that way will give others ‘permission’ to be the same.
Sorry to hear about your depression Jeff. I am sure all will be good and you will be back out the other side soon. Keep the faith and know that you have a community who thinks about you. Respec’
Jeff! You are a very good friend and you always have a place in the hearts of the people in the community. You’re tough a guy and many look up on you as a source of inspiration in our small world. You know where to ping buddy
You rock, Jeff!
‘nuff said.
I hope you get over it soon. You make a difference and matter a lot for a whole lot of people :).
Also… I’m sure you already have done it, but, please, go to a doctor as many depressions have physiological origins.
I wrote a comment and deleted it because it was largely about my own experience and that wouldn’t be helpful. Hang in there and keep breathing.
one step at a time, brother. let me know if there’s anything i/we can do for you.
Look after yourself.
I dont pretend to know what your situation is, but I have been in there myself.
All I can add to the above is dont be too good for drugs. When I finally decided to see a shrink, I just shrugged it off as just one of the things you were forced to do when someone is making you better. Ironically if I wasnt depressed I would have probably let my pride get in the way and objected to the idea.
Anyways, it turns out, in my case, there is exactly no psychological element to my depressions, and so long as I remain on my medication — probably for the rest of my life short a cure — I am a perfectly well functioning person.
While some people do have side-effects, I have none whatsoever. Go to a doctor that has treated depression before, and let him start you on a low dosage trial of anti-depressants, with a careful eye for any side-effects.
In my case two weeks on the lowest possible dosage showed no improvement, but after moving to the second lowest, there was an immediate and noticeable improvement.
Doesnt hurt to give it a shot. Its not so bad a blow to the pride if you just consider it something like a hereditary enzyme deficiency or something. And if anyone says anything just point out the well known correlation between depression and intelligence.
@Thomas
Why wouldnt your experiences be helpful to others?
peace
Go take care of yourself before and above anything else - not for a while but for as long as it takes. Consider seeking help, mental and physical “rebooting” is sometimes better handled by professionals
Hi Jeff,
Isolation is the enemy. Sunlight, exercise , pets, plants, seeing nature, going outside for a walkabout, etc. are things to try to combat some of the effects. I have read about various FLOSS folks express similar thoughts and as a community we try to respond with virtual and RL support. We have IRC and other means to ‘keep connected’. And folks notice your absence in these communication channels. Other than the usually suggestions, maybe read cuteoverload.com or other LOL sites 
One of these days I may meet you and pipka in the course of the great traveling circus that is FLOSS, that will be a cool thing
hope you find the light that leads you out of the dark room.
Kev
Well, sometimes it’s unhelpful if a person says they have a problem and all you do is say “Oh well, that happened to me, let me tell you about it”. Sometimes — usually, really — what’s important is to be sympathetic and not talk about yourself.
@ryan: Er, sorry, that wasn’t intended as a criticism of your comment.
I always like reading your blog
take care!
love and be loved
take a look at this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Your-Destiny-Switch-Emotions-Attract/dp/1401912362
perhaps it’ll do something for you, let me know if it does…
Dear Jeff,
I couldn’t believe when reading this post - the amazing, GNOME legend funny and loude person that knew always to squeeze laughs from everybody is depressed ? Get outta here!
Anyways, I’d like to wish you all the best and hope you get out of it soon. Ironically or not, the symptoms you described are known however not welcomed. I do appreciate the link you provided on the post - some real practial advices and references to doing stuff to help yourself, I wish some more like this site will rise.
I do hope to meet you again in some FLOSS related event, although from where I stand today this seems far.
Get well soon,
Yours
Sivan
I’ve read that the typical hacker personality types, such as INTJ and INTP Myers-Briggs types are more prone to depression, because they always pusuing perfection and analyzing things.
I can relate to your state. You’ll be out of it soon!
Take care,
Laci
May your pants be perky again!
Everyone needs a break, and friends, every now and then.
Good wishes for a ramping up.
Have gone through a few bouts; I agree with the poster who said something like “don’t be too good for medicine,” or at least to consider it. I had to be dragged to medicine, but it truly helped. Have been off it now for about 10 years, but the kickstart I think was necessary. (Can’t promise what would have happened if I’d borne through without it — life is hard to run as a controlled experiment.)
It is defeatable, though, and I hope happiness emerges for you soon.
Tim
Jeff,
I am writing this to you because I generally respect what you say and do and wish to offer some encouragement.
One problem is that we sometimes overlook small things. I will mention three things that helped me.
1. I gave up caffeine and tried to slow down in that way. I have unwittingly abused this drug in the past at great cost to my well-being. I may drink tea, etc. again in the future, but will be far more conscious of what I’m doing.
2. I am unsure of your physical situation, but I will just say the following as an impetus for experimentation. Regular workouts (e.g., NordicTrack) of 15-40 minutes gave me a natural endorphin-like lift that helped me cope much better with life, particularly in very stressful situations. Doing it first thing in the morning seemed to work best, at least for purposes of fighting depression.
3. Oily fish like salmon or mackerel are extremely underrated foods to help anyone feel better! In particular, the cheap canned products are probably the best reliable way of getting the brain-friendly Omega-3 fats that you need. A 15oz can of Jack Mackerel for under a buck gives you three or four fish, and you can eat a fish to start every day. Since I otherwise follow a very low-fat diet, I am also careful to get a minimum amount of the essential Omega-6 by eating a handful of peanuts.
There are also fish oil capsules and flaxseed, but I am unconvinced that they are as effective overall as getting it straight from the wild (not farm-raised), oily mackerel, salmon, sardines, or herring.
4. Plenty of veggies (particularly the green leafy kind) and whole grains, all the time. Banish all junk food, soda, etc. forever.
Experiment a lot and try to enjoy it all. I will be happy to elaborate on any of it.
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Quiet lately; an explanation
Quiet lately; an explanation